Top Tips for Managing Stress

Stress is a common human reaction to the challenges and pressures that human beings face.   Some level of stress (eustress) can be helpful to keep us motivated on a day to day basis and when a stressful event occurs moves our body into peak performance mode to deal with the situation.  An example of physical stress is when we become dehydrated.  The body reacts by making us uncomfortable and thirsty so that we drink and rehydrate.  But too much stress over too long a period can be bad for us both physically and mentally.  The psychological stress that most people experience at work can be approached in a similar way to physical stress like dehydration, by considering what constructive action we can take to address the causes of the stress.

Below are a few tips that you could consider that might help you in doing this.  They won’t all work for everyone but try them out, adjust them to suit you and see what you find most helpful.

You’ll find a more in dept discussion of stress and the tips below on my podcast on The Women’s Room – Legal Division

LISTEN IN TO THE PODCAST HERE

CLICK HERE TO WATCH THE VIDEO

  Manage the basics

Managing your basic health will be beneficial to your life in so many ways but will also make you more resilient to stress and able to return to a healthy baseline more quickly and completely.  The basic areas to focus on are things most of us are aware of but aren’t always easy to achieve ie:

• Adequate sleep
• Good nutrition
• Exercise
• Time in nature
• Social connection
• Mindfulness

A number of these are covered in more detail below.

  Change the voice in your head

Viktor Frankl was an Austrian neurologist and psychiatrist, who was a disciple of Freud and a Holocaust survivor.  In his book Man’s Search for Meaning, he explores how the effect of extreme circumstances on one man can be so different from that on another and why this might be, writing:

“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.

Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

A lot of modern psychology and psychotherapy is based upon working through how best to change the inner voice in our heads that interprets the events that we experience and how to change that dialogue from a negative or critical discourse that increases stress to something more positive.  In Buddhism this is often referred to as the Second Arrow.  You’re struck in the arm by an arrow and feel its physical pain but then a second arrow strikes as your mind starts to interpret what has just happened and may happen in the future.  In life, we can’t always control the first arrow. This second arrow is optional.  Neuroanatomist Jill Bolte Taylor says that it only takes 90 seconds for you to think a thought and for your body to produce a physiological response before going back to normal.  Any emotional response beyond that is the second arrow, ie the person choosing to stay in that emotional response. So, when you start to feel stressed it’s worth checking in to examine what the story might be that you are telling yourself about the event that has happened and to consider if it would be helpful to change or redirect your thoughts.  The great thing is that you are in control of your thoughts.  It may not always feel like you are but, with practice, you can change how you think and the language you use.  A number of the suggestions below draw on this approach.

    Manage your inner chimp

Professor Steve Peters is the author of a book called the Chimp Paradox.  In this he sets up a metaphor that describes the ancient limbic side of our brain as “the Chimp” and the rational, pre-frontal cortex part of our brain as “the Human”.

The Chimp is there to protect us from danger and keep us alive in the jungle and is therefore naturally suspicious, territorial and sometimes paranoid.  This is the voice in our head that tells us about all the potential negative consequences to our situation and/or actions.  The Chimp isn’t good or bad, it just is. You can’t change your Chimp.  You can, however, learn to manage it using the rational “Human” part of your brain.

I personally find this metaphorical distinction between the two parts of our brain really helpful.   It encourages you to notice when you are reacting emotionally to a situation and to consider if this may be your “Chimp” that is getting engaged and feeling threatened in some way and, if it is, what you can do, using rational thinking, to make it feel more secure, think less catastrophically or to distract it. It is worth remembering that the “Chimp” part of the brain is around five times stronger than the rational Human side and always receives information first ie this is where the blood flow goes first in the brain when an event occurs.  It’s also worth remembering that, when you wake up in the middle of the night, only the Chimp is awake – our rational brain is resting and recuperating, and the Chimp is fully in charge – hence why things can sometimes seem so bleak in the middle of the night. So, one strategy would be to say to yourself “I’m not going to engage my brain now on this, I’ll think about it in the morning, when both my “Chimp” and my “Human” brain can participate.

    Is it real?

Human brains are amazing and our imaginations are almost limitless.  The only downside of this incredible superpower is that due to our instinct for survival and desire for the avoidance of pain we often use employ our imagination in summoning up a whole raft of worst case scenarios.  Mo Gawdat (ex CEO of GoogleX and author of Unstressable) refers to it as the “Netflix of Unhappiness”.  And the “chimp” in our brain exaggerates these things to make sure we pay attention.  When other people tell us things we often question the validity of what they’re saying and yet we very rarely do this with our own thoughts.  If you are busy streaming the latest episode of the worst case scenario in your life, stop and ask yourself:

• is it real and
• how likely is it to happen?

    Can I fix it or accept it?

Stage two of this process, once you’ve established whether the stressful event is indeed real and very likely to happen is to consider what can I do to fix this?  Taking action will always calm your emotional brain, even one step towards better or formulating a plan without yet acting will help to reduce your stress levels.

If there really is no way to fix or improve the situation then ask yourself whether this is something you can accept (clearly not in cases such as abuse or mistreatment). Intellectually we know that life isn’t always just and fair, that many things are outside of our control, is this perhaps a time when we need to let it go and accept that it is a reality we should just live with or a reality that it is not worth expending further effort to change. Radical acceptance is a form of behavioural therapy that supports people in working through the most difficult of human sufferings such as the loss of a loved one.

    Only try to control what you can control

In a similar vein, we can find ourselves expending a lot of energy trying to change things that are simply outside of our control, such as the behaviour of others.  If a situation starts to cause you stress or anxiety, try to break it down and look at what is within your control.  Do what you can to push forwards the aspects that are not within your control but then try to let them go.

    Do something that is within your control

On the flip side of the coin, sometimes doing a fairly simple task that you can complete and that is within your control can be a great stress reliever.  Even if you feel like you don’t have time, try taking 10 minutes out and tidy your desk, or just move papers you’re not working on away, so you have a clean space in front of you.  You can try the same thing with any household cupboard – just make sure you don’t try to attack something too big.  Or perhaps there’s a simple task that’s lower down your to do list but that can be completed quickly and easily leaving you with a sense of achievement.

    See stress as an asset

Some level of stress is actually good for us, without some stress in our lives we risk becoming demotivated and despondent.  This level of stress is known as “eustress”.  The body does amazing things to help up adapt and rise the challenge that we’ve been alerted we may need to meet.  Sometimes reframing what we are experiencing as stress can really help us bring stress down to a level where it will boost rather than impair our performance  For example if you are about to do a parachute jump and you feel your heart beating faster, your palms becoming sweaty, try saying to yourself, this is great my body is reacting to help put me in the best state possible to meet and enjoy this challenge, my heart is pumping fast to send oxygen around my body and to fire up my muscles, my body is putting me into peak performance mode to meet this challenge.

    Write things down

Writing down your thoughts and feelings or just the facts of what is going on in your life can help to engage your rational brain in a way that just thinking about things does not and can sometimes help to relieve stress, give you a sense of objectivity and distance and thereby greater control.  This is sometime referred to as “journaling” and there have been various studies that have demonstrated the benefits of regular journaling, both mental benefits but also physical such as strengthening the immune system, reducing blood pressure and improving sleep quality.

    Create a Stress Inventory

On a similar theme, try writing down all the things that are causing you stress or pressure into a list and review it, deleting at least one (more if possible) and circling any you can take a step towards improving.  Then make sure you take the next step of actually executing on your comments – get rid of the item your crossed out and take that step towards better that you’ve identified. Useful questions from Elissa Epel in her book The Seven Day Stress Prescription are:

• In the long run, how much does this specific activity matter?
• Who says this is required, and is that really true?
• Whose voice do I hear?
• What would actually happen if I got out of this situation or responsibility? Or delegated it?
• Is there a way to taper it off slowly?
• What’s the worst thing that might happen? Could I live with that?

     Eliminate small stressors

Often small irritants can sap us of energy on a consistent basis due to the stress they create.  First have a look around your environment at work and at home and see if there is a way to eliminate any small stressors that you can see feel or even smell.  Maybe think about small changes you could make that would have a positive effect and help you feel more relaxed, such upgrading to a more comfortable chair, buying a scent diffuser or finding some boxes or files to tidy away messy papers.  I always think that the state of my desk reflects the state of my mind, so sometimes even when I think I really don’t have time, tidying my desk can have a really positive effect.  You’ll have heard about various tech titans always wearing the same style of T shirt and jeans every day.  They’re doing exactly to same thing – getting rid of choices that would require them to expend energy and create stress.  The same approach can be applied to your to do list – sometimes there’s something hanging over us that we just never seem to get to, causing energy leakage/increased stress every time it comes to mind.  Can you just get rid of it, if not today, try first thing tomorrow, as soon as you get up.  You’ll be amazed how good it feels and how often you’ll think – why on earth didn’t I do that before?

    STOP your stress

Having a word or visual image that you can use when you start to feel overwhelmed can be really helpful.  For some people saying the word “STOP” to themselves or even out loud can be effective in stopping thoughts spiralling.  Similarly, summoning up an image of moving what you are worrying about aside or putting it into a box can also work.  I sometimes use the image of sweeping plies of papers off a desk with my arm, leaving a clean uncluttered desk that doesn’t feature what has been causing me stress.

    Rip up and throw away your stressors

Going one step further than visualisation exercises, doing something metaphorical but physical with your stressors can also be helpful.  If someone has upset you or irritated you and you are finding it hard to let the memory go, try writing their name on a piece of paper, screwing it up and throwing it in the bin or rip it up and jump up and down on it.  Be as physical as you like.  I’ve used this on many occasions with my teams where someone has been difficult or unfair.  If nothing else, it tends to make people laugh.

    One step at a time

This is a tip that I come back to time and time again when things start to feel too much or indeed there is just far too much to do or too many tasks requiring attention in the next 24 hours.  You need to stop looking at the mountain and look only at the next step ahead instead ie pull yourself away from looking at the overall project or everything on your to do list and identify what the immediate next step should be and focus on just that task.  When you’ve completed that task, make sure to give yourself a pat on the back or a small reward.  This process takes discipline and you’re likely to find your eyes sneaking up to the mountain from time to time, so try out using one of the “STOP” techniques to prevent yourself doing this or I use a mantra (discussed below).  In this situation I often use “I can only do what I can do today”.

    Distancing

The opposite technique that can sometimes be helpful is, instead of zooming in, to zoom right out in our imagination and ask yourself, will this matter in a week, a month, a year, five years?  Or even if I got a call that someone I love needs me now.  For me this one is often harder to achieve, my chimp brain immediately rejects it.  But try it out and see if it can you add a little bit more perspective.

    Focus focus focus

Sometimes when we get stressed our brain can become scattered and we can become easily distracted.  A version of one step at a time, is to discipline yourself to focus on just one thing for a set period of time.  Emails, texts and other messages in particular can be really distracting, so it may be helpful to turn off all notifications, sounds, pop ups and other distractions and focus solely on your chosen task for your chosen period of time and save up your unread messages and notifications for once you have finished.

    Create a mantra for yourself

Having a mantra that you repeat to yourself on a regular basis when things get tough eg at the start of the day, can be really helpful.  What it is will be very personal to you, but something that acknowledges that you are human and you are trying your best usually works well.  “It’s just a job” is one that can help put your work into perspective versus everything else that is important in your life.  My own personal mantra is “I can only do what I can do today” coupled sometimes with “one step at a time”.  Other examples are “Good enough is good enough” or “it’s just a job” or even “let it go” accompanied by the Frozen soundtrack.  Find something that works for you and play with it and adjust it until it feels right.

    Set realistic expectations for yourself and avoid perfectionism

Voltaire is credited as saying “perfect is the enemy of the good”.  Ask yourself whether, although you would like to make what you are doing perfect, is there a standard that you can adopt that will get the job done to a satisfactory rather than an optimum level?  A-type personalities often shy away from this as an approach and want to be the best or do the best job that they can at all times.  Are your expectations realistic, are they set at the optimum or the required level.  Setting expectations too high and being too rigid in our approach to what happens is a great recipe for stress. Can you instead learn to “sway with life” and challenge yourself regularly to test if the effort you are putting into each task can be reduced in any way that still results in what is necessary being done.

    Embrace failure

We often apply additional pressure to ourselves through fear of failure but mistakes and failure are often the times where we learn most and become stronger.  This concept is exemplified by the fail fast approach adopted by many tech firms – don’t wait until a product is perfect, but try it out and if it doesn’t work, discard it and and embrace and learn from the experiment.  If you struggle with failure I’d highly recommend Elizabeth Day’s podcast How to Fail.  So many of the people interviewed would never have achieved what they have without experiencing some of the failures they identify.  I also love the Japanese concept of “kintsugi” meaning to join with gold which is where works of art such as vases that have been broken are repaired but where the repairs are not hidden but highlighted with lacquer mixed with powdered gold, the repair enhancing the overall beauty of the object and celebrating the breakages and challenges that have been suffered.

     Exercise

The scientific evidence of the benefits of regular exercise is building daily.  Exercise helps us in so many ways, including reducing stress, counteracting the production of too much cortisol, reducing inflammation, stimulating our parasympathetic (rest and digest) nervous system and releasing helpful chemicals into our system such as endorphins and dopamine that improve our mood.  Exercise doesn’t have to be an extreme form of boot camp work out.  Walking is a great stress reducer.  Sometimes we put off doing something like this because we feel we have to go on a long run or an extreme class that lasts an hour and we end up doing nothing, so start small, can you walk part of the way to work or the shops or walk up the escalator instead of standing still – even 10 minutes on a regular basis can make a real difference and once you’ve started you’ll feel the benefits and be able to start to build from there.

    Take a green prescription

The benefits of getting out into nature are so well recognised now that New Zealand has introduced the concept of a “green prescription” where doctors prescribe spending two hours in nature, three times a week to help patients suffering with various ailments including stress.  Even if you’re in an urban environment, look around for pockets of nature, spend time looking at the sky or the leaves of the trees along the road.  Time near water has been found to be particularly restorative.  And if you can’t find nature outside, can you bring it inside with plants and even things like essential oils you can beathe in or diffuse around your home.

    Meditate

There is now also a wealth of scientific evidence around the beneficial effects of meditation.  One study has shown that the amygdala –the fight or flight centre in the brain – actually shrinks with a regular meditation practice.  Other studies have shown not only emotional benefits but also physical effects, including changes to the way our genes are expressed that boost our immune system and stimulate the clean-up systems in our cells (autophagy).  Often people think there is some magic to meditation and they need to go on a long course but it can be as simple as sitting comfortably (you don’t have to be in the lotus position, a chair is just fine), with your spine upright and stomach relaxed and just observing your breath or saying something like “let” on each inhale and “go” on each exhale.  There is lots of helpful information out there on the internet and great apps like Headspace and Calm that will walk you through many other forms.  Try it for a week for 2-5 minutes a day and build from there.

  Take a breath

When we’re stressed, we tend to only breathe shallowly into the top part of our lungs.  There’s even now the concept of email apnea, which is the tendency for people to hold their breath when reading emails.  Stopping and taking a few deep breaths can really help to relax and centre us.  Even better, extend your exhale. Longer exhales cause the vagus nerve to send a signal to your brain, activating the parasympathetic nervous system (rest and digest) and easing the sympathetic nervous system where our fight or flight response is based.  If you are feeling particularly stressed you could also try a physiological sigh which mimics our breath when we have had an intense cry.  Link here to summary of various breathing techniques for you to try out  Breathing Techniques.pdf

    Have a good cry

Crying is an amazing stress reliever, “you’ll feel much better once you’ve had a good cry” is actually great advice.  Muscles that have tensed as a result of stress are released, our brains focus more on the crying and less on what is stressing us, our parasympathetic nervous system is activated and various studies have found that emotional tears (ie not the tears that are formed when you’ve poked yourself in the eye) contain higher levels of stress hormones meaning the tears are flushing them out of the body.  In Japan there are even now crying clubs (rui-katsu) attempting to capitalise on the therapeutic effects of having a good old cry.

    Build resilience

Experiencing short burst of manageable positive stress can actually help us to build resilience – this is known as hormetic stress.  During hormetic stress the sympathetic nervous system (the fight or flight response) will spike but this will be followed by a big swell of activity from the parasympathetic nervous system to help shut off the stress response (known as vagal rebound).  This can help create restoration and activate rejuvenation processes in the body as well as making us more effective at handling stress when it arises.  Potential ways of creating hormetic stress are:

• Cold water therapy/swimming
• Hypoxic breathing (see Wim Hof for examples of both of these)
• Saunas
• Some yoga poses where the body is under stress but you have to calm the mind to stay eg balancing poses, splits

One experiment using worms and creating hormetic stress by heating them up was shown to increase cell clean up and overall worm health and longevity although unfortunately there was a tipping point where too much heat meant no more worm.

    Embrace gratitude

Running through all the things that you are grateful for in your life from the very small to the much larger on a regular basis can be tremendously helpful in terms of reducing stress. One useful exercise is, each evening, to think about:

• one thing that you’re grateful for that day
• one thing that you did well or would give yourself credit for and
• one thing that you’re looking forward to tomorrow.

Even if you are feeling really down you can say to yourself that you are grateful that the day is over, that you give yourself credit for getting through the day and that you are looking forward to getting into bed at the end of the day tomorrow.

Try writing down what you’re grateful for and review and add to your list on a regular basis.

    Create some non-negotiables and set boundaries

It can be helpful to determine some things that are non-negotiable in your working week and that you will commit to doing except in the most extreme of situations. For some people this may be going to the gym twice a week, going on a daily walk, having dinner with your family or doing something social.  The key thing is to commit to something that is important to you and then do whatever you can to stick to it.  Telling people around you – your team, colleagues, family or personal assistant about your non-negotiables can be helpful in making sure you stick with them

    A problem shared

Talking to friends or colleagues can be a great stress reliever as can listening to other people’s problems in return.  Making time to do this may feel like a luxury that you don’t have time for but is usually time very well spent, so think of this as something you do to keep yourself at a peak performance level.

    Be kind to yourself

Usually by far our harshest critic is ourselves so stop and think about how you would talk to a friend going through what you are going through, what would you say or do to be supportive and see if you can say this to, or do this for, yourself.  And give yourself a reward when you have got through a really tough day or finished a stressful piece of work or high pressure meeting.  It can be something as small as a chocolate biscuit but make sure you acknowledge whatever it is as a reward and give yourselves a mental well done.

    Look for the positive

Sometimes when we are stressed, we can get into a very negative dialogue with ourselves where we feel treated unfairly, taken advantage of and just generally unappreciated.  Not always easy to do, but see if there is anything positive or any learning that you can take from the situation, however small, and focus on that.  Even practice at dealing with completely unreasonable people can be a useful life skill to home.

    Watch out for warning signs – cancellations

If you find yourself starting to cancel appointments that are fun, social or something you do for yourself and thinking “if I just work a little bit longer, I’ll get it all done”, take this as a warning sign that you may be moving towards an edge that you want to avoid.  Consider whether you need to do more to de-stress yourself, using some of the techniques suggested here or by taking a longer break from your work such as a holiday.

    Move away from the screen

There may come a point where everything feels too much or just too overwhelming.  If you reach this point the best thing that you can do is to turn off your computer, walk away and do something that will distract you for at least 30 minutes or even overnight. This may feel almost impossible at the time so you need to tell yourself that giving your brain a chance to recharge and relax will make you much more effective when you return to your desk and therefore make you more productive in the long run.

    Where are you in space

Check in every now and again during the day to see whereabouts your mind is in time. Is it in the past, in the present or in the future. All of us tend to have a preference for being either in the past or the future and it’s useful to aware of where our mind tend to go. Check in and notice where you mind is.  A useful tool for bringing yourself fully into the present that is also great for anxiety is to

• Name 1 thing you can taste.
• Name 2 things you can smell. …
• Name 3 things you can feel. …
• Name 4 things you can hear. …
• Name 5 things you can see.

    What if it all works out?

While we may have many real stressors and present in our lives, often we also create additional stress using our imagination, wondering what if something bad happens or why did someone say or doing something. It’s amazing how creative people can be when imagining all sorts of bad things that might or have happened. But perhaps the snake you see on the path in front of you will actually just turn out to be a stick. Check in and ask yourself: “How real is what I am worrying about and how likely is it to happen?” and maybe go further and ask one additional question which therapist and Podcaster, Mel Robbins recommends: “ What if it all works out?” https://www.instagram.com/reel/CakqvQ-K3Fk/

    Take a proper break

Ultimately you may be in need of a proper break, a holiday that really is a holiday away from work and away from all work interruptions.  It can be tempting to put this off or to cancel already established plans.  I’d encourage you strongly not to do this and to encourage your teams not to do to do the same.  It’s extremely rare that the world can’t continue without a specific person being present and cancelling anticipated breaks has a very negative effect on our mood and outlook for the future.